Creeping Thoughts – By: Scarlett

ScarlettEveryone has those thoughts that are so far back in your head that it’s unapparent how much they shape your thoughts and choices. One of those thoughts for me is a disease that runs on my Mom’s side of the family. My mother had me when she was 40, but my older sister and I both bear witness to how impactful this disease has been on my mom. This disease leaves my mother anemic, I will explain more about her disease later. Because she is anemic she feels tired a lot. Naps for my mom when I was a child were pretty typical. Honestly, one of the most annoying things for me was that she never wanted to chaperone one of our field trips. We went on vacations everywhere when I was a kid but she never wanted to chaperone. She says it was because of her age and she didn’t want to be around all the young moms, but I think it was both her age and the disease.

For my mother, it has only gotten worse with age. The disease is called HHT (Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia). The disease is characterized with bleeding localized to an area of the body. For my mother’s mother, she would bleed in her intestines. Right now, my mother only bleeds through/in her nose. Just about one nosebleed every day. The chronic bleeding is the main reason for the anemia. My mother now is about to turn 64 and she is as healthy as a horse. She can’t do intense labor but she could walk a distance and be just fine. So, it’s not like she is dying soon.

The main reason why this thought creeps is because my sister and I both have the disease. All I can think about is how I don’t want to be my mom. I don’t want anything to hold me back from being a chaperone on my kid’s field trip. This thought shapes my behavior because I know I will have kids way younger. I don’t really want any after 35. I think, if I could support a kid from a year from now I would have one…..that’s if my boyfriend would let me haha. I mean for real though, his mom just turned 50 and my mom is about to be 64. The clock is definitely ticking because my mom wants to enjoy her grandkids and I want her to as well. My boyfriend and I joke that if for some reason I became pregnant now she would probably be the only one excited.

I think a lot of us have similar thoughts especially ones related to our family that has forced us to think, behave, or believe in certain ways or things. For example, in my special ed class I am taking right now, our instructor told us about her friend. Her friend had a brother who was down syndrome. She has had kids and none of them are but she thinks she will specifically adopt child with some mental handicap. That’s some baggage to carry with you in a relationship and a very specific thought in your mind. At least mine is us just having kids early. But, like I said, we all have thoughts or expectations that are very deep in our minds.


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